The top six most annoying conservative subgroups
January 23rd, 2009
Be honest, fellow conservatives, there are some right-wingers who are so irritating and/or disloyal we wish they were liberals. It happens. Usually they’re acquaintances who talk way too much. But out of politeness or strategy, we avoid calling them out on it. Sooner or later we’re going to have to suck it up and trim the fat from our ranks. Please allow me to get the ball rolling.
#6 Libertarians
I have to mention up front that I love libertarianism; I was introduced to politics through a libertarian-feminist perspective. Frankly, libertarianism is invaluable because it’s what gives American conservatism its unique flavor. In a desperate situation, I would go to war to make America’s two-party system one that sets libertarians against classical conservatives. Last but not least, libertarians don’t have any hang-ups about outrageously mocking liberals; they’re willing to do the jobs polite republicans won’t do.
But with that being said, there’s one thing about so many libertarians that make them freaking insufferable. They’re obsessed with the religious right! Like John Goodman relating everything to Vietnam in The Big Lebowski, libertarians are liable to turn a conversation about cabbage into a rant against Pat Robertson. I imagine more than one libertarian thinks that thousands of Jerry Falwell clones are waiting for us to fall asleep so they can sweep in like a thief in the night and swap every packet of birth control pills with sugar pills, only to hector us with scripture when we confront them about it. Never mind that real Christians, just like libertarians, come in all kinds. Some of them are moralizing jerks; that doesn’t indict the whole group.
Anytime Republicans are in a bind, libertarians rush to tell us that we should stop catering to the religious right; we should quit prattling about abortion like misogynistic theocrats. When one points out the libertarians’ manifest ecclesiophobia, they claim they don’t hate religion, just “organized religion.” Bullcrap. Religious people are a convenient target. The easiest way to get cheap accolades from intellectuals is to argue that seriously religious people are hypocrites/authoritarians/science-hating luddites; even high schoolers know this. What? You think Marilyn Manson was popular for his looks?
Don’t even get me started on their conspiracy theories. Or the fact seemingly every road sign in San Diego was slapped with a “Ron Paul 2008” sticker during the last election cycle.
Telling phrase: “What you really need to do is throw out the fundamentalists.”
How to deal with libertarians: Pick their brains; they’re generally smart, observant people. Just be ready to cut your losses the moment you brush across the slightest reference to abortion or stem-cell research.
#5 Intellectual elitists
By this, I don’t necessarily mean educated rightists, but arrogant ones. The all too common type of guy who minored in political science ten years ago and still acts as if his knowledge is exponentially larger than yours is an intellectual elitist. His mastery of presidential anecdotes and useless trivia such as the origin of the Republican Party’s elephant mascot overinflates his ego. But his preening isn’t nearly as annoying as his willingness to exploit controversial conservatives like a vulture. A conservative elitist will throw Ann Coulter, Dick Cheney, and even you under the bus to make his self look wise in comparison.
The difference between an elitist and a RINO is that elitists are genuinely conservative, but nevertheless disloyal. By all accounts, William Kristol is a steadily conservative man, but his willingness to accuse John McCain’s conservative opponents of throwing “temper tantrums” betrays how he sees himself in relation to common republicans. One conservative no one has heard of has attempted to ride Ann Coulter’s coat-tails by accusing her of hate speech while passing out pamphlets calling her an “acid-tongued blond” one year at the Conservative Political Action Conference. I would like to point out that it’s possible to criticize loyal conservatives without snarky self-promotion, but elitists are smart enough to know that; they just don’t care. This ultimately makes their behavior that much more annoying.
Telling phrase: “It’s nice to see that Ann Coulter is getting airtime LISP! but better specimens SLURP! of conservative thought LISP! could be chosen.”
How to deal with intellectual elitists: Insist that you’re just as smart and thoughtful as they are. Then demonstrate it. They’ll either begrudgingly tolerate your opinion or go away.
#4 Racists who think their bigotry makes them conservative
Many racists think they have a friend in the conservative movement. If one were to ask these bigots who they’re voting for, they would likely state the republican candidate if only because they’re presumably against affirmative action, too. The fact that Lincoln’s party freed the slaves, pissing off the south for generations, seems to be lost on them. Yet even though the Republican Party is not courting the racist vote, racists imagine they relate to us. I can proudly say they have no grounds to.
Racism isn’t conservative on any level. It isn’t libertarian. It isn’t consistent with an enduring moral order, because the ideal of universal morality depends on judging others by their behavior, not their ancestry. At least in modern America, it’s not rooted in tradition; Racism as a custom was rejected in the states a long time ago; if that wasn’t the case, Don Imus wouldn’t have been fired for saying something that sounded racist. It isn’t based on the wisdom of generations past, which have learned the lessons of racial favoritism. It’s not prudent, nor is it marked by affection for variety, both of which are timeless themes in conservative thought.
Even though nothing about conservatism even suggests inherent racism, conservatives have enough problems being called racists by liberals, who don’t need evidence to perceive bigotry. Even genial rightists such as Ronald Reagan are routinely branded as racists by the left. Because of that, the first step anyone on the right must take when reaching out to any minority community is to demonstrate in some way that we’re not a subtle extension of the KKK. Every single American we meet needs to be convinced on some level that our opposition to reparations, et al. is not rooted in hatred for African Americans. Racist losers who call themselves conservative only make it easier for other groups of losers to “prove” we’re pining for a pure, white America.
If it seems as if I’m kicking a dead horse, I didn’t think there were a significant number of these people until I moved to California and became acquainted with greater Los Angeles. L.A. is littered by a fair number of groups that have little to zero influence in Iowa: Skinheads, self-described Aryans, and the like. Politically, the city is stuck in 1968, where everything is so racialized that callous bigotry seems to be the only alternative to backwoods ethnic communitarianism. This creates tension between blacks, whites, Latinos, and less prevalent minorities. If anything bad ever happens to President Obama, stay out of L.A. (especially you truck drivers) because the results will certainly be interpreted through racial animus.
Telling Phrase: “I don’t hate black people, I hate ni–ers.”
How to deal with racists who think their bigotry makes them conservative: Stay out of Valencia.
#3 Populists
Temperamentally opposite from elitists, populists have an annoying habit of fixating on an otherwise pure conservative’s not-so-conservative transgressions. They seem to apply the “one-drop” rule to ideological apostasy. Thus a conservative who supports free markets, stands strongly behind the traditional family, takes a hard line on crime, supports school vouchers, opposes gas taxes, but is ambivalent on abortion and moderate on gun control would be jeered by populists as a fake.
Particularly irritating are a strain of populists known as “Huckabites.” Mike Huckabee is good man. From what I can tell, he’s sincere, honest, and a great campaigner. His speech at the 2008 GOP convention was arguably the event’s second best to Sarah Palin’s energizing masterpiece. I didn’t resent him or any of his supporters until Huckabee went all populist on Mitt Romney, the most competent (if occasionally tone-deaf) conservative running for his party’s nomination in 2008, and whined that he didn’t want Romney to buy the election. Never mind that the National Review correctly identified Romney as “the most conservative viable candidate” in 2007.
On top of that, every so often Huckabee’s populist supporters would come out and threaten to vote for someone other than John McCain if he selected Romney for his V.P. Like a bitter divorcee with thousands of lawyers, the green-eyed Huckabites dogged Romney at every turn, effectively sabotaging his ascendance in the Republican Party. One can only conclude they did it out of spite because it was obvious to everyone in America that Huckabee’s massive support among Southern evangelicals was diffused by the rest of the country’s equally prevalent contempt for Southern evangelicals—McCain would have been crazy to select Huck as a running mate. Either that or someone should let conservative populists know that the good preacher is the Republican version of Dennis Kucinich: ideologically consistent, but fundamentally unelectable.
I may be venting. Romney was my favorite candidate last year.
Telling Phrase: “Romney is a phony.”
How to deal with populists: Let them know you respect their conservative perspective. Demand the same in return.
#2 RINOs
You knew they had to be on this list. RINOS are Republicans In Name Only. It describes registered Republicans who are pro-choice, anti-war, and supportive of suffocating environmental regulation, but for some reason or another, they think their values align them with the traditionally right-wing party. They’ve been spotted all over America, but most anthropologists think they’re indigenous to the Northeast and upper Midwest. They differ from intellectual elitists in that (1) they’re not really conservative and (2) they’re not necessarily educated.
What’s frustrating about RINOs isn’t that they deviate from classical conservatism, but their tendency to use the left’s hateful rhetoric when doing so. They’ll oppose tax cuts as “tax cuts for the rich,” and will fight libertarians all the way to the front of the line when it comes to denouncing the religious right. RINOs are the bisexuals of the conservative movement. They want to be aligned with the party symbolically associated with tradition and patriotism, but they also want the cheap camaraderie that comes from calling conservatives bad names. Experts have debated whether or not this is inherent to their species or an environmental adaptation needed to survive among sensitive suburbanites.
Telling Phrases: “Talk radio is running America.”
“I’m Republican, but not that Republican.”
How to deal with RINOS: Pretend they’re moderate Democrats and use them to practice your debate skills.
#1 Actual Republican officials
Imagine you’re unhappy with the direction you local GOP officials are taking your community. So you take the time to mail them, leave a message at their office, or even join their campaign. Imagine, either through chance or hard work, finally meeting your official Republican Representative. Imagine politely and eloquently airing your concerns about the party’s support for amnesty or some other issue close to the heart. Now picture them reciting the line that political parties are volunteer organizations, and the best way to influence them is form the inside (By the way, could you make a donation)?
You say you don’t want to become a volunteer. You work forty hours a week, and don’t have the cash on hand to risk quitting and become a party activist. Besides, you like how you spend your time out of work. By the way, why can’t I expect you to do your job and represent me, since I have a life and all? The representative just smiles, says something vague, and hands you a business card.
Frustrating isn’t it?
American is a constitutional democratic republic. We elect politicians to represent us. We vote for individuals who share our values to run the government so we can live a fulfilling life with our friends and family, as opposed to living every minute with a grand political cause in mind as if we’re robots. Ideally, politicians keep our communities running smoothly and undermine unconstitutional efforts to reshape America so we don’t have to. When the representative who promised to share my values betrays them, he should be receptive to my concerns. Remember Dickhead, you serve the people, not vice-versa.
Telling Phrase: “There is no Republican Party, per se.”
How to deal with actual Republican officials: Vote them out of office.
Next Friday: The top five most annoying liberal subgroups.